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THE FAMILY DISEASE
OF ALCOHOLISM / CHEMICAL DEPENDENCY
PROTECTING STAGE
Denial: Alcoholism has been called "the disease of
denial". It characterizes both the chemically dependent person
and his or her family. Family members, for whatever reason, do not
accept or confront the negative affects of another person's chemical
or alcohol use. The abnormal becomes normal. The whole situation
becomes too much to deal with, so families pretend: they act "as
if" everything is okay. Family members in denial of the disease
of alcoholism will often say, or truly believe, "It's not that bad."
Preoccupation: Family members become totally absorbed in
the mood, behavior and activities of the chemically dependent person.
The addicted person becomes the main focus of the family; this occurs
to such an extent that family members often neglect their own responsibilities.
Fear: Because of the unpredictable, often erratic behavior
of the alcoholic / chemically dependent person, family life is full
of anxiety and dread. No one knows what will happen next, or when -
but, based on experience, everybody expects trouble.
Tension / Irritability: Not knowing what to expect from one
day to the next, one minute to the next, creates tension and chaos in
the alcoholic family home. Family members suppress feelings of anger,
shame and worry - then they overact. They lose their tempers, raise
their voices, hurl objects across rooms. Normal life situations can
be too much to handle for the alcoholic family.
Lying: Family members try to cover up, downplay, or hide
the problems caused by another's drinking or chemical use. They lie
to children, extended family members, neighbors, employers and to themselves.
Guilt: Family members assume responsibility for another's
drinking and behavior. They believe that if they did something better
or different - or didn't do something - the drinking or chemical use
would stop.
Isolation / Misfit Feeling: Communication among the family
and with others outside the family is seriously affected. People stop
talking, sharing, and caring.
Role Takeover: Others take over the alcoholic's roles and
responsibilities, including parenting, financial obligations and
household chores. In alcoholic families, older children often take
over for one or both parents.
Resentment: Family members are hurt and angry about what
has happened in their lives. They hold onto negative thoughts and
feelings for years, sometimes even after the alcoholic stops drinking
or dies, or is no longer in their lives.
Sexual Problems: Sexual relationships suffer along with
everything and everybody else. Partners stop sharing feelings - and,
very often, bedrooms. Children have no role models on which to form
their own healthy sexual relationships.
Avoiding Occasions: Families begin to decline, or stop
receiving, invitations to social events. They are embarrassed about
previous episodes; there have been lots of broken promises,
disappointments, and false hopes concerning the drinking or chemical
use. Also, alcoholism saps a family's energy - people are just too
tired to do anything.
Widespread Distrust: Too many years of broken promises,
shattered dreams, and false hopes result in a serious distrust of
self, as well as other people, places and things. Usually, everything
the family member thought would surely work (new car, new job, new
house, shift in responsibilities) to stop the drinking or chemical
use has failed.
Rigidity, Uneasiness with Change: Once they have come upon
a way to live and survive with alcoholism, family members don't want
to try another way. It's similar to learning the path through a mine
field and resisting the suggestion to try another crossway.
Seriously Uncommunicative: Family members learn quickly
"Don't trust, don't talk, don't feel." So they don't/ At
home, family members don't talk to each other about what's going on;
outside the house, no one talks to others about what's going on with
them or their home life.
Totally Responsible and Controlling: As family members
"hit bottom", the active alcoholic may be totally
irresponsible and out of control. In contrast, family members are now
in complete charge of everything - household chores, financial
matters, family responsibilities. They believe that if they don't do
something themselves or take responsibility for it, it won't get done.
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